We've all been confronted with them, I'm sure. You know, those sometimes not so hypothetical questions that friends, family, and (especially) significant others want answered. However, there are some questions that you just shouldn't ask, no matter how badly you want to hear the answer.
Unless you enjoy putting someone on the spot or making someone lie through their lips to keep from hurting your feelings.
1) How old are you?
I've been asked this question personally over the past couple of years. As a non-traditional student, I was a good 10-12 years older than many classmates. I guess they noticed. Here's a tip, folks. If you're under 20, just about everybody is older than you. It is offensive (especially to women) to have a young twentysomething cock a head and ask this question. Simple question, sure, but people are often sensitive about it. If you ask me this question, odds are that I'm probably older than you. But you knew that already, right?
2) What are you thinking?
My thought processes are invisible for a reason. I know most of us have been asked this stupid question, and probably more than once. And every time it's asked, you probably make something up to remain neutral. Either that, or you say "I don't know." You cannot purchase a ticket into someone else's head. Don't ask for one. Besides, this just puts the askee on the spot. You've just killed a perfectly comfortable conversation. Congratulations.
3) Does this make me look fat?
This is the oldest question in the book of retarded queries, and is usually asked by women. The answer is always going to be no (especially if you ask a man). Almost always, this is a woman looking for a compliment. She wants to hear a resounding "no, babe, you look mahvelous!" You know if you're fat or not. Stop asking the rest of us to confirm or deny it. And deny it we will.
4) Do you want me to leave?
I'm not sure how common this query is, but I've been asked this question quite a bit. Picture it... Someone comes over for a visit, hangs out for six hours, and it's now 11:00pm. You have to get up at 6:00 in the morning. I'm pretty sure that this question is begging for an invitation to sleep over, but the asker just isn't bold enough to come right out and ask. If you haven't been invited by 11:00pm, your ship has sailed. When your host stated that he/she has to get up early in the morning, that was their nice way of asking you to beat it. Instead, they are confronted with the "do you want me to leave" question. I've always heard that a lady/gentleman always knows when to leave. Yes, I want you to leave. I wanted you to leave hours ago.
5) Do you love me?
You've just instilled fear. This question instantly transforms you into a desperate seeker -- unless you're five years old. This is a perfectly okay question for kids to ask. But coming from an adult, usually that semi-new significant other, this question is just creepy. If someone asks this question within the first few weeks of dating, you are to immediately run like hell in one of the three remaining directions. If someone loves you, they will tell you so. Eventually, anyway. Saying "I love you" is even better than asking "do you love me." You're forcing them to say it first. Or worse, begging them to lie to you. Either way, you've just lost points for tact, class, and self respect when this question slips out.
6) Did you come?
If you have to ask, she didn't. Trust me. Women don't explode in two minutes (or less), and unfortunately, that's the usual amount of time we're given. It's not your fault that we take awhile, guys. It's a flaw in our anatomical design. It is your fault, however, when you think that those two minutes are going to blow our minds -- and then ask us, in your post-coital bliss, to confirm it. The first step is understanding the female anatomy. I personally know relatively smart men who honestly thought that women pee out of their vaginas... We don't, by the way.
7) Would you die for me?
This is a question that should be reserved solely for love song lyrics. You might as well have a loaded gun to someone's head, ready to bust a cap if anything but "of course!" comes from their mouth. Again, run like hell. Only a very desperate, borderline personality would allow this question to seep from their lips. I would die for my kids, sure. But even they have never asked me this question. They are probably the only people on the planet that I'd take a bullet to the head for. This question is just as stupid and hypothetical as "if someone offered you a billion dollars to shoot me, would you do it?" That offer will never come.
And don't ask "but what if it did?!"
"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt."
~ Abe Lincoln
