Solar Rehab

Elusive Answers

Although things should be looking up, it doesn't feel as if that's the case.  Grad is 3 weeks away... Final exams are done (except for the ATIs, which will be over next Tuesday), and all my projects are finished.  I have one last clinical tomorrow (my last day of free nursing labor!).  A month from today, I'll be boarding a ship that'll take me and my partners in crime to a week-long tropical escape. The weather is more than tolerable; I have missed the sun and warmth more than I can say...

Why do I not feel that sense of release and joy that I've been anticipating?  There's nothing apparently wrong, but something just isn't right.

Perhaps it's me.

Perhaps not.

My son got a "bus ticket" last week.  I suppose that could be part of my problem.  It's his fifth this school year.  He's gotten these tickets for everything from talking too loudly to opening the window when he wasn't supposed to.  Because it's his fifth, he is not allowed to ride the bus FOR THE REMAINDER OF THE SCHOOL YEAR. 

We live 18 miles from his middle school.  I make two trips a day; one to drop off, one to pick up.  I am driving approximately 72 miles a DAY just to get my kid to and from school.  That doesn't include my own transportation needs.  Gas is now $3.45 a gallon here. 

The school isn't punishing my son -- they're punishing ME.  I've spoken with them about the issue.  They don't give a shit (not that I expected them to)...  Granted, my kid isn't an angel.  I'm aware of that.  He's got a big mouth and a 14 year-old attitude to go with it.  Still, what's wrong with some Saturday detention or something?  Why am I the one paying for this bus ticket? 

That answer is as elusive as my initial dilemma...

I'm not sure why I haven't found my solace yet.  I feel alone and unappreciated.  It feels like I'm still stuck in the dreary depths of Winter... despite the mid-April sunshine and rising temperatures.  My life doesn't feel like it's mine, if that makes sense.  I am feeling the weight of my own world, and it is heavy enough to dampen my spirit.

Let's hope this doesn't last long...

 

Nobody's Fool

Where did March go?  The last four weeks or so have rumbled by like a runaway train, it seems.  The busier you are, the quicker time passes.  I'm not complaining.  I haven't decided yet whether or not March was well spent, but I managed to accomplish quite a few necessaries. 

I am still an honor student (magna cum laude, thank you) after four years of the most rigorous program of study I've ever fathomed.  I find it sort of funny -- I'm a thirtysomething honor student.  Then again, that's actually a feat in itself.  Unlike the traditional university student, I have a home and property to manage (by myself), two kids to nurture and care for (again, by myself), bills to pay, dinners to cook, and laundry (lots of it) to tend to.  I'm my kids' chauffer several nights a week.  I'm attending elementary school plays, band concerts, PTA meetings, and odds and ends of various miscellany that  a 21 year-old doesn't usually worry about.   

Despite everything, I'm swimming with the current.  Sure, there are moments when I feel like I'm back on Shit Creek; trust me, it's a real place.  I've not only paddled it, but I've waded through it barefoot.  But those trips don't last long, I've learned.  I've realized, after all this time, that I'm actually pulling the whole deal off with more grace than I knew I had.  I am doing better than fine.  I am kicking ass and taking names.  Rawr. 

And I have every confidence that things will only get better.  My optimism can either be described as determined... or just simply stubborn.  I like to think it's a bit of both.  There's a bit of shabby  Buffett-philosophy in there somewhere, too... 

The first day of April is an innocent sort of sultry; warm and wet, but not yet bold enough to take either too seriously.  I am nobody's fool today or any other,  however.  I may unwillingly pay a visit to that infamous creek again one of these days, but I'll know throughout the trip that all bodies of water, even that particular one, lead to the vast and waiting sea...